Marina grabbed Fidel by the shoulders. "Lito," she said, "Papa says the plan's
for him to remain alive on pvac." "Vvfk l'vooo!" said the Pope. "PAVOOK!" sang
the Pope's tuba.
2 Apr 2005 19:38:52 utc pvac
-
I haue a headache.
5 apr 2005 21:08:53 utc pvac
-
Tho Seng ef Tho Tabu:
PA-VUUK. PE-VOOK. PI-VIIK. PO-VEEK. PU-VAAK.
PU-VEEK. PO-VAAK. PI-VIIK. PE-VUUK. PA-VOOK.
7 apr 2005 15:31:19 utc pvac
-
The Pope announced, "Mmmm nnvvzl. V-vooo eeee!" Marina retorted, "You still
drool. They'll see that."
9 apr 2005 09:40:55 utc pvac
-
He took a step toward the wall, and vanished through it. Fidel said, "He's
crazy." Marina said, "You're crazy. He's dead."
10 apr 2005 06:22:54 utc pvac
-
He was invisible. Thinking, "This is gonna be so cool", the Pope wafted
over to St. Peter's to see his body. He was happy that they'd left him
unshaven: he'd got his wish, that millions would remember him as a slob.
But he needed to glisten.
Hovering face-to-face above his body, he whispered, "Vv-uullll rrrr uull
g-ghhk." His aim was perfect. He darted a safe distance away, to hang
out and watch them discover the miracle.
14 apr 2005 02:47:49 utc pvac
-
"Papa's going to get himself in trouble!" cried Marina.
"He can't, cara," said Fidel, "if no one sees him."
22 apr 2005 07:25:27 utc pvac
-
"PA, PA-PA PA, PA-PA PA, PA-PA-PA-PA PA (VOOK)!" sang the tuba. Fidel perked up.
26 apr 2005 07:17:38 utc pvac
-
Johanna Hanf, Ruta Valuta's mongrel daughter addicted to leftover East German
psychiatric drugs, could also see the Pope.
27 apr 2005 08:18:27 utc pvac
-
As she watched him drool on his old face, she tried to scream. It came out as
a wild growl. A plainclothes Swiss guard called for backup.
29 apr 2005 07:56:01 utc pvac
-
"I feel trouble starting now," said Marina, absent-mindedly stroking the tuba's
throat. "Papa, he's ok," said Fidel. "It's not him. You'll see."
2 may 2005 08:24:50 utc pvac
-
SG Col. Ui, in a cafe across P. San Pietro with his Carabinieri counterpart,
got a call. "It's that leggy German pilgrim girl. Your round."
5 may 2005 16:07:30 utc pvac
-
"Due espressi doppio, per favore," ordered Col. Donnola. "She's no girl, you
know. She's 53. The drugs regress aging. Biologically she's 19."
7 may 2005 19:25:05 utc pvac
-
"So," asked Ui, "in a few years, she'll be reborn?" "Ui, you're being rustic
again," laughed Donnola.
9 may 2005 16:20:26 utc pvac
-
"Rustic my arse!" said Ui.
He phoned the IC. "She's on our side. Learn what she saw. Let me know."
"The Pollack's Poleaxe," mused Donnola.
13 may 2005 09:04:40 utc pvac
-
The tuba sneezed, and went, "Rrrrrr."
"It's Johanna!" said Marina. "Oh God."
"Told you so," said Fidel.
16 may 2005 08:45:59 utc pvac
-
From: Neateye
To: me.at.work
Subject: Gouranga
Date: May 18, 2005 11:34:51 AM PDT
Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!
18 may 2005 19:51:43 utc pvac
-
The tuba began to chant a mantra,
"PA-VOOK PU-VEEK PA-VOOK PU-VEEK
PU-VEEK PU-VEEK PA-VOOK PA-VOOK
PA-VOOK PI-VUUK PA-VOOK PI-VUUK
PI-VUUK PI-VUUK PA-VOOK PA-VOOK."
20 may 2005 08:00:42 utc pvac
-
Pope Marina Pope Marina
Marina Marina Pope Pope
Pope Fidel Pope Fidel
Fidel Fidel Pope Pope.
22 may 2005 07:04:30 utc pvac
-
Pigeons could also see the Pope, and had gathered around him. He escaped
through the ceiling. Some followers, stunned, fell into the crowd.
2 jun 2005 10:43:03 utc pvac
-
TIM1: Don't touch that dial!
Girl: Stop freedom. Give me the spot.
3 jun 2005 10:16:12 utc pvac
-
"A pain to husband were murder tedium!" shrieked Johanna. Sgt. Muesli asked
her, "Do you keep birds?"
"No. Do you?" she asked, disarmed.
3 jun 2005 10:41:16 utc pvac
-
"A pair of mynahs, and a duck. What did you see just now before the pigeons?"
6 jun 2005 07:28:46 utc pvac
-
"Papa! He flew in and drooled on himself and rose to the ceiling." She pointed
to where he'd escaped.
"I believe you," lied Muesli.
8 jun 2005 09:47:35 utc pvac
-
"Puveek, pivuuk, pavook," sang the Pope, skipping from rooftop to rooftop.
He smelled coffee below, and had an idea.
8 jun 2005 10:13:42 utc pvac
-
He'd long wanted to hang out at the cafe on P. San Pietro. Now he could. He
decided to check it out.
9 jun 2005 09:44:21 utc pvac
-
The place was full of its usual mix of working media types, senior policemen,
and tourists. Hovering outside, the Pope assessed his options.
10 jun 2005 11:48:07 utc pvac
-
Through the window, he recognized Ui and Donnola. Remembering them warmly, he
noted they'd be in command. He wafted in to eavesdrop.
13 jun 2005 08:33:23 utc pvac
-
"This is awful, so awful!" screamed Marina, "Papa's with liars and a nut-girl!"
"I'm a liar, and you're a nut-girl," reminded Fidel.
14 jun 2005 13:18:33 utc pvac
-
The policemen's coffees arived. Lifting his, Donnola remarked, "Muesli and
Nut-girl...Ui, that's twisted genius."
16 jun 2005 10:40:38 utc pvac
-
From: "Marina"
To: <KnownUser@pvac.kp>
Subject: Urgent letter
Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2005 02:41:09 +0000
Oh, you want to love and to be loved!
We have the best prices for all things every boy needs!
Have it!
You need home delivery, no problems!
Your dreams will come true!
Best, Regards,
Marina
21 jun 2005 07:01:46 utc pvac
-
"Thanks," said Ui, "but Muesli volunteered. I'm proud of the lad."
The Pope saw an orange-yellow glow from an adjacent table.
24 jun 2005 08:34:43 utc pvac
-
"So if you say I'm a nut-girl, I'm not a nut-girl, because you're lying," said
Marina. "You're not thinking this all the way through," said Fidel.
26 jun 2005 22:27:09 utc pvac
-
Ui took a call. Putting down his phone, he muttered, "You get crimes. I get
Nut-girl and ghost-drool." "It's not fair," said Donnola.
27 jun 2005 11:25:32 utc pvac
-
So, where's the soft underbelly?
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
28 jun 2005 04:10:09 utc pvac
-
never mind, I think I'm soaking in it
28 jun 2005 04:12:58 utc pvac
-
As the Pope floated up for a better view of the glow, he saw more screens, all
slightly different shades of the same basic color.
2 jul 2005 11:18:54 utc pvac
-
"Ok, I've thought it through," announced Marina. Fidel raised an eyebrow.
"You are trees and I have telegraph fruit."
8 jul 2005 18:06:57 utc pvac
-
From the glowing tables came a muttered, echoey chorus of "Nut-girl." Ui
stared at Donnola. Donnola replied, "Patvac."
9 jul 2005 11:07:51 utc pvac
-
A long long time ago...
I can still remember how that modem used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had that chance, that I could connect to PVAC BBS
and maybe, I'd get to chat with HBE.
But then my Kaypro II disk began to quiver
with CP/M commands that made me shiver
Bad formats on the B: drive
STAT DEV won't come alive
I can't remember if I cried
when the PIP command did not comply
but something touched me deep inside
the..day..my..Z80..fried
10 jul 2005 23:51:27 utc pvac
-
Fidel raised another eyebrow.
11 jul 2005 10:39:29 utc pvac
-
From another table, the Pope heard, "Last week, pvac started crashing the
browser on my phone."
All the reporters in Rome used pvac.
12 jul 2005 13:31:11 utc pvac
-
Donnola slid a thin metal box toward Ui. "Windowpane. The best we've ever
seized."
"It's probably ours," said Ui, grinning.
13 jul 2005 11:23:17 utc pvac
-
Johanna and the Swiss Guard detectives found common interests, and were
partying in the St. Peter's squadroom.
16 jul 2005 12:42:26 utc pvac
-
"Baluchistan,
Sirhan Sirhan
Is in my sink.
I freed the mink!"
sang Marina.
Fidel quietly belched.
18 jul 2005 11:28:23 utc pvac
-
Prangggg!!!
23 jul 2005 03:23:28 utc pvac
-
Fidel got up, walked to the dark end of the room, and kicked Saddam in the balls.
24 jul 2005 11:47:43 utc pvac
-
"Bashkortostan,
Sirhan Sirhan
Is in my sink.
I want a drink!"
continued Marina.
25 jul 2005 07:26:23 utc pvac
-
The Pope rejoined the policemen. Donnola looked at him and asked, "Want a
drink, Karol?" Ui added, "We don't actually see you."
26 jul 2005 09:49:44 utc pvac
-
"Uuuk rrree ssuhd!" said the Pope, unsure whether he could be heard, let alone
drink. "Tre Campari e soda, per favore!" called Donnola.
27 jul 2005 11:15:48 utc pvac
-
The idea was, Ui and Donnola got away with anything that editors cut for being
"too much like pvac." Most reporters had given up.
29 jul 2005 11:24:44 utc pvac
-
"P'vucistan,
Sirhan Sirhan
Is in my sink.
I drank the ink!"
wailed Marina.
"There is no P'vucistan," noted Fidel.
30 jul 2005 12:14:20 utc pvac
-
"Puveek!" said Ui. "Pavuuk!" said Donnola. "Pivaak!" said the Pope.
"Pvuc," said most of the reporters. Or what sounded like "pvuc".
31 jul 2005 10:48:25 utc pvac
-
After the Turn, Johanna told her new Swiss Guard friends, many ex-Border Troop
dogs forged papers and got free international passage.
1 aug 2005 11:59:48 utc pvac
-
"They were smuggled out?" asked Lt. Gensli. "No, they forged their own papers,"
said Johanna. "They were drop-dead brilliant."
2 aug 2005 09:30:54 utc pvac
-
"That battalion pack from south of Dresden who got Uta Bresan to come with them
to Baghdad to sing, that was a marvel," said Muesli.
4 aug 2005 11:14:24 utc pvac
-
"Communist girls had tufted armpits," said Sgt. Ettli. "I'll bet you have tufted
armpits," said Johanna.
7 aug 2005 10:41:05 utc pvac
-
The Camparis arrived. Donnola raised his, looked toward the third chair, and
said, "Pavook!" Ui did the same. The Pope tried to.
8 aug 2005 11:26:33 utc pvac
-
"Try the straw," suggested Ui. The straw filled. The glass began to empty.
"Karol, you suck," said Donnola. "Euuo mama," said the Pope.
9 aug 2005 11:18:52 utc pvac
-
Marina ran to the kitchen for two pot lids for an earsplitting reprise of
"Baluchistan".
"What's your point?" asked Fidel.
12 aug 2005 10:19:33 utc pvac
-
"Nut-girl!" shouted Marina, with a crash of her makeshift cymbals. "Nut-girl!
Nut-girl! Nut-girl!"
13 aug 2005 23:14:06 utc pvac
-
well, sometimes you feel like a nut.
And sometimes you don't.
15 aug 2005 05:03:51 utc pvac
-
"A walk down the path of history is crunchy with the crispy corpses of
those who pooh-poohed or ignored the clown car of ridicule when it
pulled-up to the curb" - Stephen Jones
16 aug 2005 17:58:26 utc pvac
-
"I have tufted armpits," said Ettli, "and so do you." "How do you know?" asked
Johanna. "A detective and a nut-girl," answered Ettli.
17 aug 2005 07:28:19 utc pvac
-
Now that she was 57, Tipper thought, she'd enjoy impunity. Then she found Lurid
Jesus collecting dog drool.
19 aug 2005 10:27:11 utc pvac
-
The Pope's straw drained, and his drink began to bubble. "Keev-op!" said Ui.
"Kuuv-ip!" said Donnola. "Koov-ap!" said the Pope.
21 aug 2005 23:40:52 utc pvac
-
Gensli handed a restless Muesli an open bottle of wine, saying, "For the
ladies." The tufted armpit talk had devolved to animal noises.
22 aug 2005 11:24:48 utc pvac
-
Fidel, having lost track of his pants, began to daydream about trading Patrice
Lumumba and some mescaline for Angela Davis.
25 aug 2005 23:13:15 utc pvac
-
.sivaD alegnA rof enilacsem emos dna abmumuL ecirtaP gnidart tuoba maerdyad ot
nageb ,stnap sih fo kcart tsol gnivah ,lediF
28 aug 2005 03:04:15 utc pvac
-
In the Turkish embassy's kitchen, Abmumul Ecirtap and Sivad Alegna were making
something they called diplomatic halavah.
29 aug 2005 09:33:52 utc pvac
-
You know it's time to go to bed when you've said "the unicorn boogers
crashed my browser," and you weren't kidding.
31 aug 2005 06:18:28 utc pvac
-
Abmumul Ecirtap
Wanted to take a nap.
Sivad Alegna said,
"Careful, you won't wake up."
2 sep 2005 09:00:33 utc pvac
-
Donnola peered toward the Piazza. "The Dialectical Materialists have gathered
and are soon to start," he announced, offering earplugs.
13 sep 2005 11:03:59 utc pvac
-
Ui took a pair, and inserted them. Donnola placed a pair on the table. He said
"Eliahu" and winked, inserting his pair.
15 sep 2005 11:09:35 utc pvac
-
A droplet of Campari-and-soda leapt from the Pope's glass. Vaulting the edge,
it landed on an earplug. It stained it red.
15 sep 2005 11:35:46 utc pvac
-
Fidel found his pants when his phone beeped for the text message:
COME TO AGAVE ISLAND.
SAVAGE LINDA
He didn't recognize the number.
19 sep 2005 08:12:53 utc pvac
-
But it was local, +3964469933. He tried it. It answered on the first ring,
"Ambasciata di Turchia. Pronto!" Speechless, Fidel hung up.
20 sep 2005 10:30:13 utc pvac
-
The tuba was gliding about on its bell like a hovercraft, humming a low note.
"Let's go look for Papa!" cried Marina.
23 sep 2005 09:54:33 utc pvac
-
"Promise me you won't sing?" asked Fidel. "Not a note!" replied Marina. She did
a frisky pirouette. "No ''stan'. No 'Nut-girl'."
29 sep 2005 10:04:22 utc pvac
-
Fidel went to check the fridge. He found a dozen strangely-large eggs, and
several brown bottles marked "Latte dell'anatra".
30 sep 2005 16:55:26 utc pvac
-
He decided he was neither hungry nor thirsty. "Ready?" he asked. Marina
replied, "Yeah!" He hung his hat on the tuba, and they left.
3 oct 2005 05:42:36 utc pvac
-
Muesli, bored, looked at the label on another bottle of the wine:
Ostschweizer Entenmilch
Polizeiwein
Ettli went "Quack."
3 oct 2005 09:50:48 utc pvac
-
"What if they recognize you, Lito?" asked Marina. "I say, 'People always
mistake me for Fidel Castro.' It always works," said Fidel.
4 oct 2005 08:42:10 utc pvac
-
With only six members, the Group of Dialectical Materialists made noise where
and how they could, calling it political music.
10 oct 2005 08:19:18 utc pvac
-
With trashcan lids strapped to their hands, they lined up in 3-2-1 formation on
the edge of the Piazza, facing the cafe.
11 oct 2005 09:49:15 utc pvac
-
One of the Group blew a whistle. The crowd fell silent. The Group held their
lids at banging-together height. The cafe went "NUT-GIRL!"
14 oct 2005 08:00:56 utc pvac
-
Fidel and Marina alit from a tram to walk the last few streets. Some passing
teens called, "Venceremos!" Fidel waved back, laughing.
15 oct 2005 09:29:44 utc pvac
-
Nearing the Piazza, they heard three quick whistle blasts, then three more. And
then, "Nut-girl!" Marina clutched Fidel, resolutely.
17 oct 2005 07:22:20 utc pvac
-
Gensli answered a call, "Ok, thanks." "At Charlie," he whispered to Muesli.
He looked at Ettli and said, "Quaaaaw." Johanna said, "Lito!"
18 oct 2005 08:45:48 utc pvac
-
"Lito! I..." began Marina. Fidel hushed her, "Of course not, cara. And anyway,
it's recontextualized." Marina looked at him, dreamily.
25 oct 2005 09:36:48 utc pvac
-
Johanna stood up. She yelled, "Let me see Lito!" Gensli asked, "Lito?" Muesli
refilled her glass. She took a gulp. Ettli yawned.
31 oct 2005 09:48:53 utc pvac
-
"Lito! Lito! Lito!" continued Johanna, jumping up and down. She kicked off her
flipflops. Muesli caught one and it disintegrated.
2 nov 2005 11:11:09 utc pvac
-
Ettli, who had been getting in touch with her inner burnout, put on Johanna's
remaining flipflop and began hallucinating.
4 nov 2005 10:10:13 utc pvac
-
Her colleagues were now shepherd dogs in men's suits, the psychotic German girl
a sea lioness in a pink plastic coat, and she a chair.
7 nov 2005 11:47:35 utc pvac
-
The Pope drifted to the cafe's front door for a look around. Seeing Fidel and
Marina, he beckoned for them to follow him inside.
11 nov 2005 10:13:40 utc pvac
-
"I bet this is a trick," warned Marina. Fidel said, "I don't think this is a
trick." She razzed the Materialists, and followed the Pope.
14 nov 2005 11:35:21 utc pvac
-
Gensli went, "Arf!" Muesli went, "Arf!" Johanna went, "Arp!" Ettli was at a
loss. Then she scraped a few centimeters along the floor.
15 nov 2005 10:13:25 utc pvac
-
Marina and Fidel made their way to the table where the Pope was sitting back
down. Ui and Donnola rose, courteously. Reporters stared.
19 nov 2005 10:52:08 utc pvac
-
Donnola excused himself for a moment. Ui took a call from Gensli, about Ettli's
visions. Donnola reappeared with two chairs. Ui smiled.
21 nov 2005 12:00:14 utc pvac
-
Yo, peeps. WASSUUUUP?
I'm a 42 year old peep that went through college to get my law degree.
My professors were a bunch of fun dudes; we partied all nice at
hiz-ouse!
We got so drunk.
Yeah, I set a precedent in law! Man, it was tight. I went up and gave
my advice,
and the lawyer said, "Yo, man! TIGHT!". Then the judge went all,
"Gnarly, dude!".
So now they have the law -- but don't ask me what it is, I don't know
anymore.
Any beer in the fridge?
http://apollohoax.proboards21.com/index.cgi?
board=theories&action=display&thread=1132366325&page=2
22 nov 2005 20:58:49 utc pvac
-
"Gensli says Ettli thinks she's a chair," Ui explained to Donnola. He turned to
Marina and Fidel, and said, "Pa-vook!"
23 nov 2005 12:10:07 utc pvac
-
"Pu-veek," went Marina. "Po-viik," went Fidel. "Pi-vaak," went the Pope.
"Pvuc," went the reporters. Or something that sounded like "pvuc."
24 nov 2005 21:32:16 utc pvac
-
"Hare rama," said Donnola. "Shuurp," said the Pope. "Am gernsten, haett' ich
'mal ein Mojito," said Fidel. The Pope began to gurgle.
26 nov 2005 12:06:24 utc pvac
-
"Trinkt ein Mojito, Mein Lito trinkt ein Mojito," sang Marina, to the tune
of "Guantanamera". "Trinkt ein Mojiiiito! Mein Lito trinkt ein Mojito!"
Fidel looked at her, and sighed. "Oops," she said, remembering her promise.
26 nov 2005 12:50:28 utc pvac
-
She asked,"So, Papa, could anyone see?" He replied, "Urrrlg vvloojs s-s-sgk
nnnn," and resumed gurgling. Ui gazed enquiringly at Fidel.
28 nov 2005 10:49:03 utc pvac
-
"We think he had it in mind to contrive a 'miracle'," said Fidel. "Marina seems
to get what he says. I only understand what he does."
29 nov 2005 12:18:34 utc pvac
-
"Besides Johanna, he says there was someone else," offered Marina. "Mmmuurrrr.
Fffuuhhhh," added the Pope. "He says, they took pictures."
30 nov 2005 16:23:46 utc pvac
-
"Nnnn! Mmmuurrrr. Fffuuhhhh," corrected the Pope. "Uh, sorry. They were big and
mean-looking." "Mmmuurrrr. Fffuuhhhh," said the Pope.
5 dec 2005 08:46:01 utc pvac
-
"Cara, you needn't be bashful: these guys are policemen," said Fidel, "and
'mother fuckers' is relatively tame." "Pvuc," said the Pope.
6 dec 2005 12:51:18 utc pvac
-
"Mmmuurrrr," said Ui. "Fffuuhhhh," said Donnola.
7 dec 2005 11:57:02 utc pvac
-
With a whistle, the Materialists' "Nut-girl" abruptly stopped. It became
intensely quiet. "Aaaa vvv-v-v ulrrrr!" exclaimed the Pope.
10 dec 2005 12:16:12 utc pvac
-
All smiled while Fidel sat perplexed. "It's a Polish proverb," explained Ui,
"about where not to stand when you strangle a goose."
12 dec 2005 10:51:19 utc pvac
-
"Goose, shmoose," smirked Donnola. Fidel called to a waiter, "Prego, mojitos
per tutte, per favore," gesturing around the table.
16 dec 2005 10:59:25 utc pvac
-
Ecirtap awoke to Alegna's misting him with rum from a spray bottle. "Rum?"
asked Ecirtap. "Adiabatic efficiency," said Alegna.
20 dec 2005 09:35:19 utc pvac
-
"You are frightening, like mud housing in March," grumbled Ecirtap. Seeing
Alegna's grin, he continued, "Ever tune a piano?"
23 dec 2005 08:18:37 utc pvac
-
Alegna produced a comb, bit off the ends of its teeth along an angle, and began
playing a credible "Aria" from the Goldberg Variations.
25 dec 2005 00:36:19 utc pvac
-
"Thought so," muttered Ecirtap. But Alegna, when done playing, replied, "No. I
did rig one to tear itself apart violently when played."
26 dec 2005 10:36:00 utc pvac
-
"It wovld be dull, an ideal world," said Ecirtap. "Had you ever been poisoned
before?" asked Alegna. "Huh?" said Ecirtap, alarmed.
27 dec 2005 09:25:06 utc pvac
-
"Did you poison me?" "We poisoned ourselves, in the kitchen. Drowsiness is a
symptom I recognized from my training. One remains awake."
28 dec 2005 09:39:50 utc pvac
-
Ettli and the men watched as Johanna tired and curled up on the floor. "Hey
Ettli, you ok?" asked Muesli. "Chairs don't sleep," thought Ettli.
31 dec 2005 22:11:12 utc pvac
-
"If you can hear me," she said, "I'm probably ok. You're still a dog, and I'm
still a chair, but I know that's wrong, so I'm probably ok."
1 jan 2006 12:34:36 utc pvac
-
"Can you stand up?" asked Gensli. She felt herself become a coatstand. "Cool,"
said Muesli. She shivered, and asked, "Is there any coffee?"
2 jan 2006 12:05:41 utc pvac
-
"I'll go check," said Muesli. "It'll be Night Watch's finest ancient bearwash,"
warned Gensli. "I'll go make coffee," said Muesli.
4 jan 2006 10:11:33 utc pvac
-
Ettli felt herself turn back into a chair.
The waiter arrived with five mojitos.
6 jan 2006 10:19:48 utc pvac
-
Donnola stared at Marina, and said, "Uulj rrp, gh' rrp t'zh." The Pope started
laughing. Marina held Fidel and said, earnestly, "Make him stop."
8 jan 2006 10:15:19 utc pvac
-
Fidel looked enquiringly at Ui. Ui turned to Donnola, and said, "Urrzh." The
Pope stopped laughing. Marina felt suddenly embarassed.
9 jan 2006 17:14:30 utc pvac
-
She realized there was one thing to do. She raised her glass, gleefully
cried, "Pavook!", and slugged back a healthy gulp.
10 jan 2006 12:22:56 utc pvac
-
Fidel followed, "Pevuuk!" Then Ui, "Pivaak!", and Donnola, "Poveek!"
The Pope went, "pvuc!" The reporters, too. Or what sounded like it.
11 jan 2006 11:30:57 utc pvac
-
The Group of Dialectical Materialists were stalking around the edge of the
Piazza, still in triangular formation, all in step.
13 jan 2006 10:47:49 utc pvac
-
Fidel turned to Ui, and said, "Urrzh." The Pope started laughing. Marina turned
to Donnola, and said, "Urrzh." The Pope stopped laughing.
18 jan 2006 09:08:19 utc pvac
-
The Dialectical Materialists, by now trailed by piazza cats, turned about-face.
One cat went "Urrzh!" The cats instantly formed a vanguard.
19 jan 2006 09:38:10 utc pvac
-
A hulking man in a dark raincoat made his way eastward along the south side of
the Piazza. Reaching the street, he said "Urrzh!" and spat.
20 jan 2006 11:30:31 utc pvac
-
Johanna shifted but did not awake, and went, "Urrkh." Ettli noted to herself
that that didn't count. The men said, "Nope," and, "Unh-uh."
23 jan 2006 07:25:07 utc pvac
-
Marina and Fidel looked at each other, then at Donnola, and then at Ui. Ui
said, "Now you know." The Pope exclaimed, "Uuuurlzh't!"
24 jan 2006 11:20:23 utc pvac
-
"Papa! Behave!" cried Marina. "Cara," explained Fidel, "he cannot behave. He's
not alive." "A real gone cat," nodded Donnola.
26 jan 2006 12:56:22 utc pvac
-
The Pope started chanting, "Uuuuaaaa! Uuuuaaaa!" As Marina, whose "Urrzh!"
attempts met with no success, was about to panic, he stopped.
29 jan 2006 11:26:43 utc pvac
-
"Or maybe you don't," continued Ui. Marina bristled, "Context, huh?" After
glaring quickly at Ui, Fidel said, "Context is plate and sauce."
30 jan 2006 10:53:49 utc pvac
-
"Pasta is context, and sauce is meaning," offered Donnola. "That's what they
taught us."
31 jan 2006 10:54:36 utc pvac
-
"All they ever taught us was, 'Shut up and learn!'" complained Marina. "Then,
they taught us nothing. So I hunted poison mushrooms."
1 feb 2006 19:41:14 utc pvac
-
No one was quite sure what to say. Ui finally asked, "How did that go?" in his
smoothest field-interview style. He felt dirty.
2 feb 2006 10:21:09 utc pvac
-
Marina, about to answer, fell speechless at the sight of Donnola, who was
losing his valiant battle to keep a straight face.
5 feb 2006 10:41:29 utc pvac
-
He was red-faced. His cheeks puffed out, and he began to sputter. She asked,
"Are you ok?" Relaxing slightly, he broke into mad laughter.
6 feb 2006 09:11:48 utc pvac
-
His composure quickly regained, he asked, "How DID it go? With the mushrooms."
By now, Marina distinctly felt that something was up.
7 feb 2006 11:28:22 utc pvac
-
"I couldn't tell poison mushrooms from plain," she said. "I picked, and hoped.
I left them in the teachers' room. Teachers disappeared."
8 feb 2006 10:45:05 utc pvac
-
"Patria o muerte," mumbled Fidel, his eyes shining like an old imp's. Marina
cursed her treacherous impulsive candor, and felt queasy.
10 feb 2006 10:39:15 utc pvac
-
"Vvvvnnnnssssrrrrmmmmssss!" said the Pope. Marina and Fidel saw him raise a
fist. Everyone saw him raise a glass.
11 feb 2006 13:37:25 utc pvac
-
"Please don't worry," said Ui. "My curiosity was unofficial. I, too, hunted
mushrooms as a youth, just as hopefully. And I still do."
13 feb 2006 10:38:05 utc pvac
-
"I was a city kid," added Donnola. "Mama had us convinced the ones in the park
were all poison, so we thought it was easy. Pah!"
13 feb 2006 17:00:15 utc pvac
-
"The closest we came was putting plantains in with the bananas," grinned Fidel.
"Ppaaaa!" went the Pope. "Mmmuurrrr, ppaaaa! Ppaaaa!"
16 feb 2006 11:20:36 utc pvac
-
The hulking man in a dark raincoat stopped and looked across at the cafe.
Donnola saw him, and told Ui, "It's Mister Plutonium."
17 feb 2006 12:38:29 utc pvac
-
The Pope exclaimed, "Ssss Mmmuurrrr Fffuuhhhh! Mmmuurrrr Fffuuhhhh! Mmmm!"
Donnola called his O. D. Ui called Gensli. Ettli was still a chair.
18 feb 2006 23:43:40 utc pvac
-
Ui asked Donnola,"For all he's put you through, can your people be friendly?"
"I've got my bad cops looking for Turks," replied Donnola.
22 feb 2006 12:46:04 utc pvac
-
"That'd be a lot of Turks," said Ui. "You work with what you've got," said
Donnola. "Life's not fair. Don't rub it in."
23 feb 2006 02:30:23 utc pvac
-
"Sluuuuvv uuuu uunnnnaa nnaaaauu. Triiiiww zzzz qqjjjjee jjeeeeqq. Urrzh!" said
the Pope. "Good idea!" said Ui. Marina bit her lip.
23 feb 2006 09:53:22 utc pvac
-
"So you do understand him," said Fidel. "Not always, not entirely," replied Ui.
"But here, I do. Mr. Plutonium is an old case."
27 feb 2006 06:24:49 utc pvac
-
Ui leaned forward, and whispered, "Papa remembered that Mr. Plutonium has a
weakness for cats. We can use the Vatican Cat Signal."
27 feb 2006 10:29:12 utc pvac
-
"The Vatican Cat Signal," repeated Fidel, softly, in tentative disbelief. "Vvvv
mmmm ffffvvvv," assured the Pope.
28 feb 2006 11:17:23 utc pvac
-
Ui continued, "Marconi understood how cats detect radio signals natively. His
1932 UHF system for Pius XI had a cat mode. It still works."
10 mar 2006 10:42:31 utc pvac
-
"A cat mode," repeated Fidel. "We can tell cats what to do, street by street,
within 200km," said Ui. "That'd be a lot of cats," added Donnola.
11 mar 2006 11:16:32 utc pvac
-
"Tick-tick-tick-tick!" said Marina, "Time runs away!" Ui and Donnola typed on
their phones. "Cats on," said Ui. "Cops on," said Donnola.
13 mar 2006 12:21:21 utc pvac
-
In seconds, the street outside was thick with cats. Each arrival took its seat
in the growing, furry audience centered on Mr. Plutonium.
16 mar 2006 12:13:53 utc pvac
-
Overwhelmed by wonder and delight, he resolved to defer critical thought about
the day's apparent miracles. Quality cat time would come first.
18 mar 2006 11:03:08 utc pvac
-
The Pope reported, "Uuuullkk nnaaaauu mmmm." "Quality cat time," translated
Marina. Donnola repeated this into his shirt cuff.
19 mar 2006 12:23:31 utc pvac
-
Mr. P. had no idea that the 36-ish woman and her putative teenage son were
Carabineri. On cue, the woman exclaimed, "Quality cat time!"
20 mar 2006 12:54:40 utc pvac
-
"It's a miracle!" she continued. Mr. P. smiled formally, thinking, "If only you
knew," and saying nothing. "See many miracles?" asked the kid.
21 mar 2006 11:03:35 utc pvac
-
Sitting down, Mr. P. asked the cats, "What brings you here?" "Uhf rrrao," said
a grey tiger. "'Cover blown by cat'," thought the woman.
23 mar 2006 12:39:16 utc pvac
-
"Interview technique gave you away," said Mr. P., startling the woman, "but two
'good cops' means you're just fact-finding. How may I help?"
24 mar 2006 19:19:12 utc pvac
-
"See many miracles?" repeated the kid. "He doesn't get it," said Mr. P. "He's
still new," said the woman, "and learning. We hope." Mr. P. nodded.
27 mar 2006 02:41:11 utc pvac
-
"Please, come sit. We will entertain the cats." The woman withdrew a large ball
of yarn from her bag. "Ha!" cried Mr. P. "Paratus," she said.
28 mar 2006 11:20:38 utc pvac
-
"Purr at us," said Mr. P., trying to keep a straight face. The woman swiped
playfully at his arm. A russet longhair, purring, swiped at his knee.
30 mar 2006 10:37:23 utc pvac
-
The woman held the ball over the cats in the front row, inducing a chorus of
"Yarrrn!" She let go. It rode off upon a sea of batting paws.
2 apr 2006 10:08:10 utc pvac
-
"So, how long have you been a cop?" asked Mr. P. "A while," she replied, "How
long have you been a civic weirdo?" "A while longer."
7 apr 2006 10:11:46 utc pvac
-
"I finished the Academy last December," announced the kid. "No one asked you,"
said Mr. P. A tortoiseshell shorthair threw up on the kid's foot.
9 apr 2006 01:03:17 utc pvac
-
Marina asked, "Is there a Vatican Dog Signal?" "No," said Ui. Turning quickly
to Donnola, he added, "Don't say it." "Uuaaoooouu!" went the Pope.
11 apr 2006 15:52:22 utc pvac
-
Fidel scribbled "Don't say what?" on a piece of paper and handed it to Donnola.
Donnola wrote "DOGHOLE" on it and handed it back.
12 apr 2006 08:50:40 utc pvac
-
As Fidel crumpled the paper and put it in his pants pocket, he saw Ui relax.
"Rrrruuff! Uuaaoooouu!" continued the Pope. Ui's phone rang.
13 apr 2006 18:07:12 utc pvac
-
"I bet Johanna thinks she's a dog," muttered Marina. Fidel and Donnola stared
into space. Ui announced, "Ettli no longer thinks she's a chair."
17 apr 2006 17:13:36 utc pvac
-
"We rejoice in progress," stated Donnola. Marina asked, "Does Johanna think
she's a dog?" Ui shot them each a glare, smiled, and shook his head.
21 apr 2006 12:58:24 utc pvac
-
Ettli had slipped off Johanna's flipflop to put on her shoes. She ceased being
a chair, and the men ceased being dogs. Johanna remained a sea lion.
26 apr 2006 14:15:23 utc pvac
-
"We don't know what she thinks," said Ui. "She's become a sea lion, which, in
German, is Seehund. So, maybe. Or, sort of." The Pope went "Arp!"
1 may 2006 20:25:53 utc pvac
-
"Wittgenstein was a pig," explained Fidel. The others stared at him,
anticipating details. He stared back. "Half-dog," said Marina.
3 may 2006 02:57:18 utc pvac
-
Donnola typed into his phone, then said, "Di che cosa non possiamo parlare,
dobbiamo passare sopra in silenzio." "Machine translation doesn't cut it,"
said Ui.
13 may 2006 00:54:56 utc pvac
-
"Nnaaaauu uunnnnaa uuuu sluuuuvv," reminded the Pope. "Good point," replied Ui.
"Good. Point," echoed Donnola, notably distracted.
14 may 2006 07:59:57 utc pvac
-
Ui looked outside in time to see the kid disappear into a vortex of cats. The
woman and Mr. Plutonium seemed not to notice.
20 may 2006 12:55:29 utc pvac
-
"He never really fit in," offered Donnola. The others remained silent.
6 jun 2006 16:41:46 utc pvac
-
"Ya mogu pet' morskuyu lachugu?" asked the Pope. Marina choked on her drink.
Wiping her chin, she replied, "NO!" The Pope retorted, "Fffuuhhhh. Urrzh."
9 jun 2006 22:43:51 utc pvac
-
"Pervym delom Gospodiny Plutony," said Ui. Donnola said, "Mmmuurrrr."
24 jun 2006 00:46:41 utc pvac
-
"What's with all this Russian?" asked Fidel. Donnola replied, "Vorticism." Ui's
phone beeped. It was a one-word text message: "Vorticism". He closed his eyes.
30 jun 2006 22:37:45 utc pvac
-
"I thought the Vorticists were British," said Fidel. "The Vorticists were
British," said Marina, "except for Pound."
6 jul 2006 08:39:58 utc pvac
-
Donnola was about to speak. The Pope said, "pvuc." Donnola said nothing. "How
are things in Quality Catland?" asked Ui.
8 jul 2006 13:35:34 utc pvac
-
Donnola looked at his watch, then whispered briefly into his wrist, and cupped
a hand over an ear. "Like their pajamas," he announced.
13 jul 2006 16:49:47 utc pvac
-
"Empty?" asked Fidel. Marina started to giggle. Ui was determined to remain
on-track. He asked Donnola, "What's the prognosis?"
18 jul 2006 21:22:26 utc pvac
-
"Ten minutes, then thin the cats," said Donnola. "60-30?" asked Ui. "You mean,
60-40?" "Right, so 60-30. With offset for cat-lossage."
20 jul 2006 22:50:25 utc pvac
-
"That makes no sense at all!" declared Marina. The Pope said, "Uurrzh. Ccccssss
ffffvvvv. Ffffvvvv." Fidel looked down at his empty glass.
21 jul 2006 12:21:51 utc pvac
-
"Cat-lossage," repeated Donnola. "Meow," thought Fidel, still looking at his
empty glass.
28 jul 2006 01:21:49 utc pvac
-
"Prego," said Fidel to a waiter, "Mojitos per tutte, per favore." Marina
brightly exclaimed, "Cat lapse!" "You're being ambiguous," said Ui.
12 aug 2006 01:56:25 utc pvac
-
Donnola glanced at his watch. It was not yet time to thin the cats. He caught
sight of the clock behind the bar. It was trimmed with fur.
3 sep 2006 17:58:31 utc pvac
-
Below the clock, Donnola saw a framed card depicting a set of animal skins in
a series of patterns from all-black to all-white.
22 sep 2006 22:18:16 utc pvac
-
Beside it stood an eggplant. "Eggplant," remarked Donnola. "Pelt gang!" replied
Marina. The waiter arrived with six mojitos.
21 oct 2006 00:33:03 utc pvac
-
While it was still early, Donnola sensed it would be prudent to thin the cats
before discussion began about seeing double half the time.
4 nov 2006 23:29:46 utc pvac
-
He tapped his wristwatch, turned to Ui, and ordered, "Thin the cats." Fidel
observed, "Perhaps half of us appear one drink thirstier."
11 nov 2006 12:50:07 utc pvac
-
"Cleverly phrased," said Ui, typing on his phone. "Done," he announced, for
Donnola, and continued, "It avoids a cancellation paradox."
13 nov 2006 09:42:09 utc pvac
-
"It just forestalls it," said Marina. Donnola tried not to grin. "It only makes
it more torturous for the determined," she added. "Nut-girl," muttered Fidel.
13 nov 2006 22:49:44 utc pvac
-
"Ssshkrrrrzzzznn,
Ssrrrrnn'rrrrnn
Mmmmzzzznnk.
Vvvvuurrrr'uuhh nnnrrk!"
sang the Pope.
16 nov 2006 13:39:32 utc pvac
-
Context, it occurred to Fidel, now resembled a warped tin plate of poison
mushroom sauce. He grabbed the nearest mojito, and gulped down half of it.
17 nov 2006 12:09:58 utc pvac
-
"It could be generosity," continued Marina. "It could be greed," said Donnola.
"It's relativism and it sucks," said Fidel, finishing the mojito.
8 dec 2006 15:05:59 utc pvac
-
Johanna, by now awake, made her way toward the kitchen door, and barked. Muesli
emerged and set a bowl before her on the floor. Ettli realized she'd never seen
a sea lion drink coffee.
2 apr 2007 01:22:15 utc pvac
-
"You look like you've never seen a sea lion drink coffee," chuckled Gensli.
Smoke wafted from Johanna's shadow's ears. Ettli shrieked.
18 apr 2007 00:12:36 utc pvac
-
Then she noticed Gensli's cigar, and released a nervous giggle. Johanna lapped
up a mouthful of coffee, tilted her head back, and gargled.
29 apr 2007 08:20:39 utc pvac
-
"What do you mean, 'it could be greed'?" asked Marina. Fidel eyed her fresh
mojito. Marina grabbed it, discreetly, and took a sip.
13 jul 2007 16:02:24 utc pvac
-
"Benign greed," said Donnola. "Perhaps I should have said, 'enlightened
self-interest', but I'm a cop. Anyway, it's to soften the customer."
30 jul 2007 20:12:37 utc pvac
-
The Pope muttered,"Mmmuurrrr. Fffuuhhhh." Ui and Donnola looked at their
watches. "Like the fur of a thousand cats?" asked Marina.
17 aug 2007 22:36:26 utc pvac
-
Ui and Donnola looked at each other, and then at Marina. She clutched Fidel's
arm and said, "What?" Ui asked, "Do you know New Zealand?"
17 nov 2007 12:22:53 utc pvac
-
"I took that quiz!" she replied. "It had a picture of Doubtful Sound. I thought
of a cello stuffed with pickles. Does that help?"
23 nov 2007 11:12:03 utc pvac
-
"Yes," said Ui, glad that Marina had ruled out a line of questioning. "More
like cornichons than dills," she added, "and loosely packed."
6 jan 2008 12:27:17 utc pvac
-
"Nice place, Doubtful Sound," said Donnola. "Place?" yelped Marina. "I thought
it was an idea! You know, like Jungle Rain Sewer?"
26 jan 2008 14:46:55 utc pvac
-
"Uuuuuuuu rrrrrrrr," chanted the Pope. Fidel idly whistled an intricate tune as
he peered down an empty glass. Ui felt his gladness ebb.
1 feb 2008 10:29:17 utc pvac
-
"Cara," said Fidel, "in the battle of ideas, 'Jungle Rain Sewer' telegraphs
overconfidence. But the battle of ideas is not won by ruse."
13 mar 2008 21:23:20 utc pvac
-
Marina went into a sulk. If she told Fidel he'd been cruel, he'd just be right
about something else.
16 may 2008 07:37:02 utc pvac
-
"What's wrong, Cara?" asked Fidel. "I've been cruel again, haven't I. I'm
sorry!" Marina kept quiet as her eyes filled with warm tears of resignation.
5 jun 2008 07:52:52 utc pvac
-
Donnola slid Marina a packet of tissues. She flashed a quick smile of
thanks. As she dried her eyes, she caught a faint scent of cat coffee.
10 sep 2008 15:31:36 utc pvac
-
Fidel muttered, "Wittgenstein was, too, a pig."
16 nov 2008 23:44:04 utc pvac
-
"Why is there cat coffee?" asked Marina. "Cats don't drink coffee."
16 mar 2009 23:05:08 utc pvac
-
"We teach our staff that for every person there is five-eighths of a pig and a
quarter cat," said Donnola. "They do need to know."
5 apr 2009 22:52:28 utc pvac
-
"To answer your question, cats drink oil," said Ui. Marina thought about this
for a moment, then asked, "What if I don't ask them anything?"
13 apr 2009 18:25:22 utc pvac
-
"They still drink oil," said Ui. Fidel grinned. Donnola glanced at his
wristwatch.
30 jun 2009 07:18:47 utc pvac
-
"What would you ask them?" asked Donnola. "Rhetorical questions, I guess,"
said Marina. "Why?"
4 nov 2009 09:20:25 utc pvac
-
Donnola thought, "Why, indeed?" It was a professional thing. He cast an overtly
furtive gaze at Ui. Ui grinned, then turned blankly toward Marina.
24 mar 2010 06:15:54 utc pvac
-
"But mostly I'd just tell them things," continued Marina. "They wouldn't need
to answer." "Cats don't drink oil," said Fidel.
8 dec 2010 03:47:24 utc pvac
-
"Cats drink oil," repeated Ui. "I've seen it."
14 oct 2011 13:15:30 utc pvac
-
"When no one's looking," said Donnola, "they eat enormous amounts of garlic."
2 nov 2011 12:53:18 utc pvac
-
"Uncle Zil used to hide in the dark and watch his cats roll around in the cole
slaw," said Marina.
3 nov 2011 09:40:50 utc pvac
-